CROUCHING TIGERS, HIDDEN DRAGONS

By Sudha Hariharan

High levels of stress, in a highly competitive environment, is playing havoc with the sex lives of Asian men. Nine Asian territories make up the bottom ten in terms of love-making, according to a survey by condom-makers Durex. Although Indian men ranked ninth on the list, they were deemed not only the safest but the most committed to their partners.

Indians are, however, late to receive sex education ( average age 15 years) , while globally the right age for the same was considered to be 12 years.

Men too suffer from sexual anxieties….did you know most men are terrified of performance failure….disappointing you in bed? By being aware of these worries,you can soothe his shakiness….

Men rarely confide in each other the way women often do. Most of their conversations about sex are limited to the locker-room variety. Occasionally though, a man will talk over a sexual problem with a sensitive , caring female and psychologists and psychiatrists say, here’s where you can help. Let’s start with the destructive myth that size is of major importance.

Nearly every man thinks he has one of these. All but those most extraordinarily endowed have doubts about their sexuality, based on penis size. This isn’t surprising since -1) most men think their equipment falls short compared with other men’s, and 2) the average man sees other penises only in the non-erect state, where size varies greatly. He may not realize that small penises grow more during erection than large ones, so that most end up about the same size. The only erections most men see other than their own are the ones in pornography where actors are selected solely on the basis of having unusually large penises.

In the real world the average penis is 15 cms long when erect and around 7.6 cms when flaccid, say experts, going on to explain that the same man’s penis can take on different dimensions in varied situations. The genitals can shrink during cold weather,in cold water, when a man is exhausted, and especially humiliating---after an unsuccessful attempt at intercourse. Some men believe that a woman’s satisfaction is directly related to penis size. Masters and Johnson call this the “phallic fallacy”. Experts say the best way a woman can handle this is not to lie but reassure him that even though he may lack size he brings pleasure.

SOLITARY SEX

Most men feel a little guilty about masturbating, especially if they are in ongoing relationships. But most of them do it anyway. Though few men nowadays believe masturbation is wrong or harmful, they worry that they may be doing too much of it. Men (and their lovers) also worry that masturbation may be a sign that something must be wrong in their relationships. Not so, say experts, at least not in most cases. People continue to masturbate sometimes, and this does not detract from the sex they have with their partners. In fact practice can benefit them both, say sex researchers.

Ordinarily, a man’s sexual solitaire poses no threat to his sex life but there are a few exceptions---when masturbation seems to be turning into a substitute for you.

Or he may prefer to turn himself on because he does a better job….sometimes masturbation is related to a lack of interest on the part of the woman, say experts and warn that the macho types who refuse to masturbate are more likely to turn to other women when their regular partners aren’t available.

PREMATURE EJACULATION

Premature ejaculation is the most common sex problem of men under 40. But whether it really is a problem depends on how you define it. However this is a constant source of anxiety…how soon is too soon? Kinsey found that 72% ejaculated within 2 minutes, while later Masters and Johnson defined a premature ejaculation as any man who failed to bring his partner to orgasm during intercourse at least half the time.

The real test of a good performance these days is the ability to satisfy one’s partner. Result: a new performance ethic that can turn sex into a “bore” and “an endurance test”, say experts.

This, according to doctors, is the easiest sexual dysfunction to cure. Nearly every man can learn greater control if he wants to, and if he doesn’t he’ll probably outgrow the problem, since as men pass 30, the need to drive towards ejaculation becomes less urgent.

IMPOTENCE----OCCASIONAL & OTHERWISE

Non-erection happens to the best of lovers--- erection problems like premature ejaculation are most common during a man’s first encounters with a partner. He may be thinking: Will I have an erection? Will I sustain it? Will I satisfy her?...This is performance anxiety, the world’s greatest killer of good sex, and it usually strikes when the man wants it least.

Besides performance anxiety, the other notorious erection deflators are alcohol, drugs(including prescription medication), emotional upsets, and stress. Sometimes though, failure to achieve an erection indicates an underlying medical disorder. In such cases he should consult a urologist who specializes in reproductive ailments.

An occasional episode of non-erection doesn’t constitute true impotence, just true embarrassment.

Serious psychological impotence ( where the man fails to get an erection in 25% or more attempts) respond well to the technique of sensate focusing (where the couple is restricted to foreplay for a few sessions, not trying for an erection). When he does get an erection the pressure is off.

When impotence is physiological and permanent, there are still solutions like penile implants, either one that is semi-rigid or one that’s inflatable. New methods include a bypass operation to restore blood flow when a major blood vessel to the penis is blocked.

THE FEAR OF “TURNING GAY”

Most straight men are terrified of the experience of homosexuality, says a sex therapist. This fear is fuelled by fleeting thoughts of what sex might be like with other men, or a desire to look at men’s bodies. And if a man actually had a homo sexual encounter in his youth (or worse as an adult) he may fear latent homosexuality and may be convinced that only he and the full-fledged gays of the world have ever had the same kind of experience.

If your partner feels insecure about his heterosexuality, remind him of these facts:

It’s normal, say sex therapists, to be curious about other men’s bodies, even to admire them. Not feeling aggressive or strong enough, not being able get an erection on occasion---these are all common reasons men sometimes worry about their sexuality, but which have nothing to do with the real issue.

LACK OF DESIRE

Even men who are secure about their sexuality feel they should be able to perform at the drop of a bra strap. Certainly sex is on their minds, but according to Joyce Brothers, the average 35-year-old man thinks about sex almost 6 times an hour and dreams about it three times as often as the average woman. But he always doesn’t feel like putting it into action, which can make him (and his partner ) wonder if there’s something wrong.

Lack of desire for sex is the most common complaint reported by both, men and women. But, say therapists, even those who had an otherwise “excellent” or “good” sex life complained of low frequency leading experts to speculate that such people may believe that everyone else is having quality sex all the time and become unduly anxious if they don’t make magnificent love the requisite 3 times a week.

Distinguishing between real loss of libido and normal ups and downs isn’t always easy. There are times when men simply aren’t interested , for example when they are going through a stressful period at work. However, if disinterest is pervasive or increasing, or if it comes on suddenly and severely, there could be a medical reason such as diabetes, clinical depression, or low testosterone( rare but can happen even to young men) which can be treated with hormone injections.

To perk up a man who’s in a down phase, experts suggest these tips:

• Have sex in the morning…testosterone levels are highest just before dawn, becoming lowest before bedtime.
• Exercise together--- a study suggests that there is a relationship between exercise and greater sexual desire as well as working out and engaging in sex more often.
• Make dates for love-making…especially if you’re married and find you are caught up in the hectic pace of a two-career couple.
• Once in the bedroom, don’t rush it, relax and unwind enough to work up a desire.
• Discuss the problem with him…communication is the most important way to solve this or any other sexual dilemma. He won’t need his locker-room friends any more if he can talk openly to you!

A/c No 424