Name: Sudha Hariharan

A QUESTION OF RAPE

*A young call centre executive is raped and murdered in Bangalore, stunning the city and galvanizing the BPOs to take action.

* Two women in the capital are raped- one of them by known people.

*A group of young table –tennis players from West Bengal, housed in a decrepit lodge in Pondicherry, where they are scheduled to play, are visited by strangers in the wee hours of the morning. They are threatened, molested and robbed.

*An aspiring actress, a model from South Africa is drugged and gangraped over two days.

*A 24-year-old unemployed youth abducts an 18-month-old baby from the pavement and rapes her!

* A young Pune housewife is not only raped by her husband repeatedly but is assaulted and subjected to humiliation. Her husband shoves a glass bottle into her vagina; bleeding profusely when she approaches a doctor, he suspects that she may have spilled the beans and , to punish her, he rapes her again. What’s worse, in the presence of her mother and brother-in-law, he douses her private parts with kerosene and sets her ablaze!

In the last fortnight, horrendous happenings like these in Mumbai, Delhi and Bangalore, have made headlines. People have been shocked. Investigations are

ongoing,but apart from the shock value. What are the lessons that we, as women, must learn?

According to an Amnesty International poll conducted recently, a third of people believe a woman is partially or completelyresponsible for being raped if she behaves flirtatiously. Amnesty was truly shocked by these findings and said they showed the government’s policies on tackling rape were failing.

No woman should think rape couldn’t happen to her---it could. Every woman is a potential victim, regardless of her age,race, class, religion, occupation, education or physical “

*No attractiveness”. And women are NOT to blame. So often an assaulted woman begins to think, “ If only I had done….” Or, “ If only I hadn’t….maybe….”

Researchers realize that most women are haunted by their attack long after the ordeal. Some are paralyzed by fears for decades. The American Psychiatric Association recognizes such lingering fears and phobias as the core of rape trauma syndrome, a form of post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD), a problem that was once associated only with combat victims. Fear of touch, of men, of sex,of being suddenly awakened at night, are just a few of the fears that can plague rape victims.

Rape is an act of violence and humiliation for which there is no excuse. But even today, a great many myths still surround it. Here we take a look at some of the myths, and then the realities.

Myths

· Men rape because they are sexually frustrated.

· Most rapes are “ spur of the moment” acts committed by strangers.

· Women secretly want to be raped.

· If prostitution were legally available, men would not rape.

· It isn’t possible to rape an adult

· A woman can’t be raped by her husband.

· There is no satisfactory way to protect yourself from such an unexpected attack.

Realities

* sexual urge gives a man the right to rape.

* Rape often occurs at home---frequently the offender is a relative, friend or neighbour. And most are carefully planned.

*Fantasies about aggressive sex between consenting adults do not mean a woman wants to experience the violent, brutal, humiliating act of rape.

* Prostitution is irrelevant—this is just another way of saying” men cannot help themselves” and it’s up to women to provide the solution.

* Fear of death, threats of violence and physical brutality can immobilize anyone.

* There are always to reduce the risk and increase awareness and safety; for example self-defence classes, and knowledge is a very powerful weapon, butthis does not imply that women should be responsible for preventing rape.

If you are raped

After an assault, though you will be in a turmoil, be sure that you do not wash, shower, change your clothes, use the toilet or do anything else that you may want to do to make yourself feel cleaner, until you have had a medical check and attention. Should you decide to report the rape officially, evidence will need to be collected as soon as possible for use in court.

At this time it is important to feel you have some personal support, so you may want to contact a parent or friend to help or be with you. One of the most helpful things you can do is talk about what happened and how you feel. You could also contact a counselor, specially trained to deal with such situations. Counselling takes place in private and whatever you say remains confidential.

Medical attention

It is important for you to receive medical attention immediately after a rape for two reasons---to determine if you have been injured----frequently, after an assault, you can be in a state of shock and unaware of injuries----and to ease fears about sexually transmitted diseases, pregnancy, etc.

If you report the rape to the police, medical evidence will be necessary for use in court when the suspect is caught, and your clothing may be photographed and retained. A special kit is used by the doctor to ensure the evidence is collected and this should be as soon as possible after the attack---- certainly before you resume everyday activities like eating, drinking, urinating, bathing etc.

Even if you do not want to report the assault to the police at this time,it is a good idea to let the doctor collect all possible evidence, because you may decide, later on, that you do want to report the incident.

You may find the procedures lengthy and confusing, and you may feel embarrassed. This is a natural reaction and you should not be afraid to let the doctor or nurse know of these feelings.

Reporting rape

There are advantages and disadvantages to reporting rape. If you do, you are exercising your rights. But reporting it can be emotionally difficult: you may have to repeat your story many times--- to police, and in court.

If the rapist pleads not guilty, you will be cross-examined on your statement. The rapist may not be convicted , which could add to your feelings of anger, humiliation and depression. You may find you feel as if you are the one on trial as the rapist’s lawyer tries to discredit you. But YOU are the only one who can decide whether or not to report the rape to the police.

How you may feel

Reactions vary for each person who endure rape, but some general ones include: Emotional shock( Why am I so calm? I feel numb. I can’t cry); Disbelief and denial ( Did it really happen to me? Why me? Was it really rape?); Embarrassment ( What will people think? No, I can’t tell my family); Shame ( I feel dirty. I want to wash my hands all day); Depression and powerlessness ( How am I going to go on?),; Fear ( I’m afraid. Will I get pregnant? What if I am infected with a disease? Will I ever want to be intimate again? I can’t relax. I can’t even sit still. I have nightmares. I can’t eat. I’m afraid to be alone or in crowds; Anger ( I want to kill him).

And because rape is the only crime in which the survivor can be treated as a guilty party, agreat many women experience guilt feelings very strongly, feeling they must have done something to make this happen. So it’s important to remember that:

· It’s not your fault

· Saying no, at any stage should be enough to stop a man’s sexual overtures

· Rape is not about sex or lust, but about aggression, humiliation and power.

Almost every raped woman wonders, “ Does anyone really know how I feel? Who is there who will listen and not start to blame or judge me? Can anyone help me to get back to normal?

Getting back to normal can take a long time, but it helps to talk to someone who empathises, someone who listens and helps you deal with your feelings in the way that is best for you, and will remain ready to help whenever you need them.

While you are struggling with your own mixture of feelings, your family and friends will be struggling with theirs. They too may be in need of assistance. It is normal for them to be confused; to wonder how they can help; to try to push their ideas, because they long to do something and are upset. They may believe you should report the rape even before you have had a chance to think about it. They may view rape as a sex crime rather than a crime of violence----and this must be corrected. They may mistakenly blame themselves, or you, for the assault. They may believe not talking about your feelings will make them go away. But it must be up to you to decide who you want to talk to and what you want to say and do. It is YOU not they who have suffered the violence.

MARITAL RAPE

It was a story that shocked the world. In 1993, Lorena Bobbitt,a 24-year-old manicurist from Virginia (USA) took a twelve-inch fillet knife from her kitchen and cut of the penis of her sleeping husband. John Bobbitt had just finished raping her, she later told the police. “Forced sex, that’s what he called it”, she said. “ He said it excites him”.

According to Lorena, it wasn’t the first time her husband, a 26-year-old nightclub bouncer and ex-Marine, had raped her. After she cut John’s penis, she fled”in a panic” still holding the organ. She drove across town and tossed it into a field. Meanwhile John was rushed to the Emergency room. Lorena phoned the authorities and told them where they could find

the penis which was recovered and in a nine-and-a-half-hour operation, was successfully reattached .

As the incident made headlines across the world, people joked about it to hide their shock. But Lorena Bobbitt’s extreme action also helped persuade some reluctant lawmakers to pass a bill on marital rape.

Marital rape, is for many, a complicated issue--- for most people, marital rape is an oxymoron, says an expert psychologist. Our image of rape is the stranger jumping out of a dark alley. Some feel that whenever a man coerces his wife to have sex, it’s rape. What is the difference between a stranger holding you down and forcing you to have intercourse and your husband holding you down and doing the same? The act in and of itself is the same. Even many victims are not sure whether what has happened to them can legitimately be called rape. They often don’t define it as rape because of society’s beliefs about what should go on in a marriage. Yet spousal rape is terrifyingly widespread. Rape and domestic violence are the most unreported crime in our country. When you are raped by someone you love and trust, you lose your faith in everyone---if you can’t trust that person, who can you trust?

Men who rape their wives fall into three general categories. The largest number, say, experts, are motivated by uncontrolled anger. A second group of men use rape as a way to establish power over their wives. The third group is obsessed by sex and derive pleasure from perverse and sadistic acts. But putting these men behind bars is not easy.

Under British common law, wives were considered property, and therefore what the husband did with them was not any business of the law. In the US too, even though rapes was a crime, husbands were given a marital exemption.

This began to change in 1975, when Nebraska (US), became the first state to abolish the marital exemption. Soon other states followed. Spousal rape is now a crime throughout the US, but the legislation varies from one state to another.

In our country the loopholes in law are many and often rape—whether by a stranger or a spouse often goes unpunished. Spousal rape is hardly ever reported and women continue to bear the brunt of sexual abuse within their homes in silence.

How can we change things? Some experts believe that we need to start with our children. We need to raise our children to have higher self-esteem so that girls do not fall into relationships with boys who manhandle them, and boys should know they do not have a right to beat a woman up or rape her to prove their manhood. We will have this kind of physical and sexual violence until we fundamentally change how we think about marriage and relationships between men and women. As long as wives are seen as subordinates, this problem will continue.

** Sources catering to specific needs of rape victims, battered women and women in distress are far too few. Yet there are some non-governmental and governmental organizations who offer services to women in distress in Mumbai. They include: Asha Sadan (Umerkhadi), St. Catherine’s Home (Andheri), Snehalaya (Mahim), Stree Mukti Sanghatna ( Dadar), Maharashtra State Women’s Council and the Human Rights Law Network.